A JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN

RECOVERING FROM CHILD ABUSE

The monsters are coming for me !!!

Today is D Day 

we are off to see the men in white coats today. Let’s hope we will be sleeping in our own beds tonight and they don’t try to section us. 

How do you explain that totally mad  existence you live, to the people who have the power to lock you up if they deem it necessary. To force you into taking dangerous medicines that they think you need.

How do you explain there is not one but at least 6 of you living inside your body, that they have slowly introduced themselves over a period of time, and now your life makes sense. How do you explain that a diagnosis of multiple personality disorder would be crucial to my sense of self ?

I have lived for 50 years not knowing who I am, today I know who I am, today I am the Betty who can do anything she sets her mind to. She’s extremely intelligent, knows what she is talking about, and will not rest until she sorts her life out once and for all.

Luckily this is who I am this morning, hopefully I will stay this Betty until my appointment is over with. 

It could have all been different if anxiety Betty had woken up this morning, this Betty would have done anything and everything to avoid this situation, as she perceives it as dangerous. She has extreme demand avoidance, and if she can’t do something she will just shut down completely until we are physically unable to move.. unable to function, frozen with fear, shaking hyperventilating vomiting etc. 

Since realising that I am not an I but a ‘we’ all of the things that have happened over the years have started to make sense. 

The over exaggerated startle response, which is totally embarrassing, as the person I am today wouldn’t dream of attracting attention to myself, but if anything buzzed or flies near my face it brings out a totally different person who screams uncontrollably very loudly.. runs flaps and basically looks like the hounds of hell are chasing her.

To look at me you would never ever know what is going on in my head. I can pass as ‘normal’ any day of the week in any given situation as I have had plenty of practice at pretending, I have been pretending my whole life to be like the rest of society, and all it has brought me is suffering. It has benefitted all of those around me, parents children and partners etc, but has left me completely drained and unable to pretend any more. 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have Bipolar and Dissociative Identity Disorder, I am now ready to share that, and I am very proud of myself for all I have achieved in my life despite the obstacles I have had to endure. 

Being raised by 2 narcissistic parents, being an undiagnosed autistic child, being abused, suffering trauma my entire life, it’s no wonder I have a multitude of mental health problems. Society has made me the person I am today, but my choices have made  me a good person. A good mother, grandmother and friend despite the cruelty bestowed on me most of my life. 

It could have oh so easily been a different story. 

Wish me luck on my journey into the unknown .