I turned the grand old age of 50 in March this year. Thats half a century that I have been me.
The age of 50 didn’t get off to a very good start, and like most ages I have been, this one seemed no different.
Same old shite, just a new year to deal with it.
Little did I know what was to come.
After burying trauma for over 40 years, the lid finally blew off.
Spectacularly.
as if by magic, Maggie the springer spaniel gifted me the perfect image for this blog…
The shit finally hit the fan, and everybody ended up covered in it.
The Narcissistic parents were covered in it, the abusive family members got covered in it, and even the people who were never meant to get covered in it, also got covered in it.
the culprit…
Because the nasty shit that had been poisoning me for over 40 years was back in its rightful place, with its owners, I am now as free as a bird. I am no longer carrying around a huge amount of poisoned shit, which leaves me free to live the life that I should have always had.
A life free from the shit that abuse, guilt, and trauma can leave on a person indefinitely, especially if they aren’t aware that they are carrying it.
Thankfully my eyes finally opened at the age of 50 and 3/4, after a near brush with death, ‘better late than never’ as my old grandad used to say.
My life truly has begun at the age of 50. I am so excited by my next path on this journey that we call life.
Most of us have gotten angry at some point in our lives.
Anger is an normal emotion.
Many people believe that anger is a negative emotion, and try to avoid feeling this way. Most people don’t particularly like feeling angry. It’s uncomfortable, they would rather feel happy instead.
But what if you couldn’t feel happy ? What if happiness seemed unattainable ? What if you felt that death was the only way out ?
Anger is the emotion that the fight or flight response can produce, when a real threat to life has been recognised.
Anger then becomes a positive response , activating different neurons in an effort to preserve life.
Anger has helped me to survive. It has kept me alive in a world that has tried its very best to kill me.
Am I angry ? Damn right I am.
I have every reason to be.
Fighting back.. not dead yet !!
Angry Betty has spoken.
Is your anger keeping you alive ? Or are you keeping it alive ?
Does it have a positive effect for you ? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
P.S feeling angry doesn’t make you an angry person.
Last week I made the decision to pay for private psychiatric help.
I don’t have a great deal of money, being a single parent on disability isn’t exactly living the life of the rich and famous.
Most of my pennies are spoken for weekly, and with the rising cost of living today, our money doesn’t go very far.
I decided that my mental health had reached a point that intervention was needed, and I contacted my local mental health crisis team.
This was 4 months ago, and I am still waiting for urgent help.
Having paid into the NHS all of my life, I am at the end of a very long line of other people just like me, waiting for the same thing.
The NHS mental health service has broken, it has become so stretched that it has finally snapped under the strain. A number of NHS and other psychiatrists have set up a private clinic in an effort to take the strain, and provide the much needed mental health support, at a price.
I’m not quite sure how I came across this website but it had me intrigued. For only £350 I could have an hour consultation, a diagnosis and treatment plan, all recognised by the NHS, and within a few days.
After a long and informative chat with the customer helpline, I actually booked an appointment, and waited patiently for the next 4 days until it arrived.
My appointment was on a secure weblink via a patients portal online, you are given a password to enter your virtual room, where you will meet your chosen psychiatrist.
That night although my anxiety was through the roof, I sat comfortably on my bed, with my PJ’s on, and up popped the psychiatrist on my MacBook screen.
This is a novelty for a 50 year old recluse, who didn’t even own a computer a few months ago.
I felt so comfortable, at ease, and the doctor was fantastic, Dr Axelby was my choice, she was professional, understanding, compassionate and put me at great ease.
Our 50 minute appointment turned into nearly 90 minutes at no extra cost to myself, and I was given a diagnosis of Complex PTSD.
I have been under psychiatric services since early childhood with no diagnosis, it has only taken £350, 1 doctor, and 90 minutes to finally give me the help that I’ve been asking for for over 40 years.
Our mental health is just as important as our physical health. You cannot put a price on happiness.
So who benefits from this innovative idea ?
A. The Psychiatrist, she gets the chance to help people and earn an income at the same time.
B. The National Health Service, who are buckling under so much pressure from mental health related illnesses.
And last but by no means least..
C. The patient, Me, I may be lighter in pocket, but I am also much lighter in my mind and spirit. I have answers to some of the questions that I have been asking all of my life.
How much would you be willing to pay for Happiness ?
I consider it money well spent.
Poor Mental Health can be a Killer.. why not take care of yours today.
We’ve all been there, forgetting to close Tabs on your computer until it starts running slowly, or stops working altogether.
Overload.
There is too much data for our computer to handle.
Our brains work very similar to computers. But are much more superior.
Our Brains have units in networks (Neurons instead of semiconductors. They take in, and compile data. They analyse it and generate output, and so much more.
Most people don’t even realise that they can have hundreds of open tabs in their brain at any one time.
These tabs can be thoughts, feelings emotions, memories, basically any data that your brain has encountered is stored away safely.
We often find that when we worry too much, or become too stressed our brain will keep us awake at night searching for a solution to the problem.
Unfortunately we won’t find the answer in things that happened 20 years ago, or whether our bum looked fat in that dress we wore last week.
not mine or fat…just a bum…
the brain will flick from one thought to another in a desperate attempt to find a solution from all of the stored data that it has, and it has lots of it.
The brain is trying to tell us that something isn’t right, it is glitching and needs a reboot.
Because we are often unaware of what is happening we go to the GP, we take pills, but nothing ever seems to work.
Since realising that I have had hundreds of thought tabs open most of the time, I have been working on closing them down. Having all of these tabs open has prevented me from seeing clearly, from thinking clearly, it has basically prevented me from living a happy fulfilling life.
Since closing my tabs down, via medication and meditation I have become so much happier, much more productive, and rarely anxious. This is because I regularly empty the caches from my brain and close unnecessary tabs, just like I do on my MacBook when the need arises.
We all take care of our PC’s in this way, so why not do it for our own super computer ?
Our brains are super computers, they need regular maintenance and servicing, just like any other machine only in a different way.
Have you had your brain serviced lately?
What are you waiting for ?
Don’t leave it until it is too late, anxiety leads to depression, depression can lead to suicide. Take control before you lose control.
Close any open tabs, empty your caches, and show your brain some love today.
Having suffered with severe mental health problems for 40 years, you could definitely say I’m an expert.
I’m an expert in my own mental health issues, which include severe depression with suicidal ideation, severe Anxiety, and one of the most severe personality disorders, Dissociative Identity Disorder.
To add to this I also have Autism.
All people have differences, and some people are more different than just different.
I am a lot more different than your average 50 year old Grandmother.
Because I have been trying to keep those differences hidden from myself and the world, I ended up almost taking my own life.
Instead I began writing.
I have never kept a diary, Journal, or any kind of reminder of my daily life, and as I stared writing, I began to see the benefits that journaling had on my mental wellbeing.
I began at the beginning, it is usually the best place to start.
From my birth, through my childhood and into adulthood, I somehow ended up with 80,000 words.
Once my thoughts, feelings and memories came out, I felt a transformation.
Because these things were no longer trapped or hidden, and were there for all to see, I felt free.
As well as meditating, I continued on my journey by joining the Blogging community.
Blogging has become my therapy, my readers are my therapists. my thoughts and feelings are shared by those who read my blogs, as the saying goes ‘a problem shared is a problem halved.’
So what would sharing with the world do ?
Sharing with the world does something good, for myself, and for others like me.
Using a blog as therapy is the way forward.
Embrace your differences, talk about them, share them with the world.
You never know, your story could one day be somebody else’s survival guide.
Be your own inspiration, if you have knowledge of something share it.
Waiting for somebody else to ‘Fix’ your problems is a waste of valuable time. Be proactive not reactive. Love yourself as much as you love others.
After suffering from depression most of my life, I am very grateful that I have the opportunity to live another day in a human form.
We are not human beings, we are spiritual beings living a human life.
My human journey began with trauma, I was dead at birth, my human journey has been a very traumatic one. Born with Autism, but not diagnosed until the age of 48.
I suffered child abuse from a very young age, and was raised by 2 narcissistic parents.
I developed a personality disorder, called dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder, as a necessity for my human survival.
I have been totally unaware that I had this disorder until the ripe old age of 50.
Being psychic too, has put a strain on my physical and mental health.
After what I class as a near death experience, when I almost took my own life, I stumbled upon my spiritual path.
Spiritual awakening is not about ghosts and ghoulies, although I do see ‘spirits’ I prefer the term energies, and that is a different story altogether.
My spiritual awakening has been the opportunity to see myself for the very first time.
Realising that you are the source of your own happiness, I have found myself at last.
Today is Halloween, I’ve always been afraid of ghosts and spirits, even though I feel them, see them and hear them, they have terrified me all of my life.
when my brother died 20 years ago at the age of 27, I was convinced he would come back to me at some point, and slept with my head under the blankets for 6 years.
I thought that I was going mad for a very long time. I then convinced myself that everybody hears voices, and I rarely mentioned it to anyone.
having mental health problems and hearing voices, tends to cast a different outlook on my psychic abilities. I am not schizophrenic, that must be a really scary disorder to have. I do not have hallucinations, my eyes are never open when I ‘see’ things, and my predictions are always right.
Although I am mad in the technical sense, the reason that I was so scared of my ability was that I had no control over which energies I engaged with, leaving me wide open to good and bad energies alike.
I decided to work on protecting myself, and to work with my spiritual guides each and every day.
Because I am a natural empath I absorb other people’s energies.
When you are not aware of this, you can become seriously depleted in energy yourself.
You become laden down with other people’s negative energies, your own energy field can become blocked, and can carry this blockage around for years without ever knowing.
We have to protect our own energy fields.
My daily routine now consists of protecting my energy and raising my vibrations.
A cold shower in a morning invigorates all of the energy in my body.
I use colour cards to chose what colour I need to focus on that day, then choose my wardrobe accordingly.
I get out for some fresh air, a brisk walk for 20 minutes, then on with general tasks of the day.
Around lunch time I meditate.
I use Oracle cards to direct me on my path.
there are lots of cards to choose from but these are my favourite.
I meditate with these cards placed over my heart, and ask them to provide me with insight on my journey.
Today I decided to share my reading with everyone as my spooky contribution to Halloween.
The top card represents my past. Straight away I recognised myself as being the ‘yes’ woman, the ‘go to’ woman, I could never say the word no, except to myself.
I was a people pleaser, allowing my energy to be used, time and time again.
The second card is the present, Take a Break.
This is exactly what I am doing at this moment in time, I have taken a break from the outside world, in order to connect with my own spirituality.
The final card is the future,
Dance with life, the title says it all really, I am taking life by hand and leading it onto the dance floor, my spiritual journey is the first dance.
I am looking for my soul tribe to get this dance party started.
If you feel a connection with me, please contact me, I know you are all out there somewhere, I just need to find you.
I have suffered from depression for most of my life.
Once the winter months start approaching, and the days become shorter, darker and colder, my depression can get much worse. Even those of us who don’t suffer from depression all year round, can still get a form of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD.
SAD affects most people during the winter months, mainly from November to March.
It has been linked to a lack of sunlight, and the reduction of serotonin levels in the brain.
Once spring arrives, the weather is warmer, days are longer and lighter and brighter, the person’s serotonin levels rise once more, and they are back to their pre-sad selves.
I have been using light Therapy for 3 months now in an effort to cure my depression.
I live in a small part of England in a city called Newcastle. I live on the edge of Scotland. we have our own weather front in my village. We are situated at the top of a huge hill with valleys below.
When it snows in our part of the world, everything stops. It is a place where we can get cut off from the surrounding villages quite easily.
It can be cold and windy in the summer months, and we even had snow in August this year.
I started using light therapy because I knew I was lacking the sunlight that I needed.
I’m pretty sure I was meant to live in a sunny country, but something went wrong and I ended up in Newcastle.
I purchased a UV sun lamp for the days when there is no sun, and I meditate daily in sunlight.
Today it is cold, it is blowing what we call a Hoolie in Geordie Land, for the uninitiated this is similar to a hurricane, only the English version.
But both look like this.
It is very cold with a windchill of -100 if you get my drift.
But there’s blue sky and the sun is shining, you don’t want to miss this kind of opportunity when it presents itself.
If it wasn’t so windy today I would have seen this. I live near a flying school, and sunny weekends always look like this..this is a picture I took last week.
Having used both natural sun and a Therapy lamp, I can safely say that the suns rays cannot be beaten on effectiveness in treating my depression. My serotonin levels must be sky high, I am happy for the first time in forever.
Even if it is cold, I still toddle up to the joint at the top of the garden, with my winter woolies, hot water bottle in hand, and gratitude for a beautiful sunny day in Autumn.
The neighbours are probably wondering why I am presently lying on my sun lounger, in the freezing cold wind, with my hat, coat and boots on, sun bathing in winter.
I think that they are used to me by now.
I know it doesn’t look like a normal thing to be doing, but I am anything but normal, but if they could only feel what I could feel, they would all be out doing it themselves.
A neighbour Lynda has confided that she too suffers from SAD, so watch this space for my new winter sun bathing neighbour.
Give it a go, if you have depression what do you have to lose ?
People underestimate the importance that sunlight plays in our daily lives, on our mental and psychical health. Just like In nature, we need sunlight to survive.
Invest in a UV lamp if you don’t get much sun in the winter months. They won’t break the bank at around £30 – £40 on Amazon, and it could be just what you need.
WELCOME TO MY INNER SANCTUARY 