Today I sketched this, my drawings are starting to look much better in the short space of time that I have been drawing.
3 months ago I hadn’t drawn a picture in over 40 years.
I had the belief that I couldn’t draw, so therefore never tried.
Three months ago I was suicidal. A miracle happened in the form of meditation and cannabis and I decided to challenge certain beliefs I had about myself.
Since changing the belief that I couldn’t draw, to the belief that I could, has changed my life for the good.
My works of art that I now call them, may never hang in the Tait gallery, but the joy they give me is immense. I don’t draw for others benefit, I draw for my own.
Drawing for me is a complete release of tension.
Whilst I draw I listen to music, sometimes it is classical music and other times meditation, but any kind of uplifting music will do.
The simple task of drawing something that only you will understand, allows you to release the inner turmoil of thoughts, feelings and despair and once they they are down on paper, they are gone. My mind is freer now to get on with life.
I have found art to be one of the most calming in any of the activities I do, aside from meditation.
I have let the feelings flow into my art. My mental health is now under control. Thanks to three things, meditation, cannabis and art therapy.
Go on have a go, what do you have to lose ? A piece of paper and 20 minutes of your time ?
There are not enough hours in the day when you are starting from scratch. I joined Twitter 3 months ago, and have amassed nearly 200 fellow tweeters .. Hi fellow tweeters, thanks for following me, I love you all.
My fellow tweeters, Bookers and Instas have become like my family, it’s just really hard to interact with everybody, in the 24 hours that we’re given.
Why do people want more followers ?
People want more followers because they believe they have something that needs to be shared with the world. Be it a book, a poem, a picture, or any other kind of thing they want to share.
Some people need the followers so they can earn a living, others use it just as a way to make friends.
Others need it because they need the support of a community that they feel they belong to.
I do not know the reason why other people want more followers, I only know the reason I do.
What if just the simple fact that my words could one day save somebody else’s life, was enough to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning. Motivate me to write and share my life experiences, and to get my message across, to the whole world. I am getting there slowly but surely, and I am in no hurry, time is meaningless when you have a life calling.
If I keep on plodding I will attract the correct people, the people that I am meant to attract.
One of the reasons that I don’t usually do the follow for follow trains that pop up, is because I don’t want have lots of followers who didn’t actually choose to follow me, it was part of a deal they made.
Hey they could still follow me anyway, you never know.
I never promote myself on these tweets, but I always share, just because I choose not to do it, doesn’t mean it isn’t wrong.
So how do you actually get more Twitter followers that are right for you ?
Send out your thoughts daily, share people’s work, be as helpful as you can be to your fellow tweeters, bookers and instas, be kind always, and have fun on the way. Life did exist very well without Twitter, Facebook, and instagram not too long ago, so have fun, and don’t take it too seriously, live, laugh, love learn,
How to blog from your own piece of paradise without the frills.
I’m sure you have all heard of Ryan Biddulph, if you are a blogger and you haven’t, then you need to check him out. Even if you aren’t a blogger this man is a jack of all trades, so still check him out.
Being new to the blogging scene I was lucky enough to come across his name very early on, on my newly embarked path.
Who wouldn’t want to blog from paradise ?
Ryan has found his paradise by travelling the world, and becoming very successful in all that he does.
I quickly realised that this man knew what he was talking about, and started following his work.
Ryan not only helps you on your blogging journey, he also helps you at a fundamental level.
From his knowledge of life, and his willingness to share that knowledge, this man has been my virtual life mentor for the last 3 months.
From explaining how to rise your vibrations, the importance of meditation in your daily routine. Ryan Biddulph is a life style guru, blogging from paradise. And he does it very well.
I too am blogging from my own little piece of paradise, but I don’t leave my house to do it. I don’t earn money from it, so if it’s the money your’e after follow Ryan and not me.
I don’t like money, I know we all need it to get by, but I have more pressing problems than money, so I tend not to think about it.
If you are like me and just love blogging, and talking about yourself and helping other people in the process, then I’m your man. It has taken me three long painful months learning the skills that have enabled me to actually get online. 3 months ago I was suicidal. I didn’t own a single item of technology other than a mobile phone.
You can teach an old dog new tricks…
I now have my very own website, a triberr account, an active Twitter account, instagram account and a Facebook account with nearly 3000 friends. I blog daily from my own little piece of paradise, the joint at the top of the garden, and I couldn’t be happier, Well if the sun shone a bit more that would help. I am probably doing it all wrong in most bloggers eyes, but I have never been one to follow the crowd. I love giving more than receiving, and I know that I am not doing it wrong because of the pleasure it gives me, the thought that my words like Ryan’s could help another’s injured soul to see the light keeps me going, keeps me sharing, keeps me alive.
I am a consumer, I am a recluse and do most of my purchases online.
Last week I ordered 2 pairs of black school trousers for my Autistic teenager from an outfit called Chums. He needs a specific style of trousers being the way he is, and I have ordered from them before via Amazon.
Amazon however did not have these in stock, so I decided to order straight from the chums website.
My parcel arrived within a few days as expected, and I put them to one side to sort out at a later date.
Yesterday I opened the parcel in order to iron the new school trousers ready for the start of the school week.
Imagine my surprise when they were a very light grey/ green colour.
I looked at the invoice and it stated, unfortunately your black trousers were out of stock, and rather than disappoint we have sent an alternative that we hope you will like.
Really ? Why would you think that ?
If I wanted grey/ green trousers I would have ordered them instead of the black ones.
It’s like ordering your food shopping and being sent a live pig as a substitute.
Dear consumer, We are very sorry that the bacon you ordered was out of stock, we thought you might like this alternative instead.
Never assume that you know what your customer might like.
I received no email to say my items were out of stock, and would I like an alternative.
If I had I would have informed them, no thank you, I will look elsewhere or wait until you do have them back in stock.
£32 later and I am left with two pairs of trousers that are absolutely no use to myself or my son.
Upon telephoning their customer services department twice yesterday, it seemed that their computer systems were down and I couldn’t get this matter resolved.
Today upon telephoning again, hurray the computers are back up and running, the customer service representative informed me, even though she called me repeatedly by the wrong name.
She then informed me that i would have to return the parcel before I could get a refund.
There lies the biggest problem. I do not leave the house. The nearest drop off point for returns is 3 miles away. I do not have anybody who can drop this parcel off for me, so now what ?
15 minutes later at 13 pence per minute, plus network charges, a collection has been arranged which also causes problems as I do not like people coming to my house.
All of this has caused me no end of personal problems. By sending me something that they thought I might like, they have made my life more difficult than it already is, plus I am now also out of pocket financially, from having to rectify this issue.
No consumer should be left paying more than they should, due to poor business practices.
Note to self, never use chums again.
Lesson learned, if you are a business owner take heed, bad business practices will guarantee that your customers will never return.
And, if you have loyal customers like myself, then you need to retain that loyalty. Finding out what your customer needs instead of assuming that you know what they need. Making sure that your customer service representatives are trained correctly. And finally always making sure your customer is never in a worse off position financially or otherwise, than they were before they purchased your goods.
Customers are your priority.. if you want to sell and to keep on selling, then keep your customers happy.
I am sitting at the top of the garden ruminating again, as I am want to do.
My mind goes to one of my oldest friends Rita.
Rita is what I call my fair weathered friend.
Rita only wants to be around me when it suits her. Take for instance my recent breakdown, Rita was aware of the situation, but has never called to see how I am, or popped around to see me, you can guarantee that she hasn’t even gave me a minutes thought, until yesterday.
Rita has her 50th birthday party coming up and she needs someone to bake her pies like I normally do.
Under the disguise of asking me to her party, we struck up a conversation when she realised that I had deleted her off Facebook.
I had deleted her 3 months ago and she had only just noticed now, because she needed me. Upon telling her that I hadn’t been out of the house for 3 months, she suggested coming up to see me the very next day. Always willing to see an old friend I told her my door was always open.
Needless to say Rita had already found something better to do, i wasn’t coming to her party, and I wasn’t baking her pies….so off she went to the pub, all with no phone call or explanation as to why she hadn’t turned up
I spent the day knowing why she wouldn’t turn up.Rita suffers from what I call selfish git syndrome.
Otherwise known as Narcissistic personality disorder.
I have been surrounded by these people all of my life, and have learned to recognise them. They are everywhere, and these people are often disguised as the people that we love.
Our mothers and fathers, our siblings even our children, and the chances are you’ll recognise one or two on your friends list.
You will know who some of these people are.
I say some, because the selfish git syndrome is a spectrum. Just like autism, if they are only slightly affected by the selfish git syndrome, then you will know they are a selfish git, and try to keep them at arms length.
If however they are at the extreme end of the spectrum, this now becomes life threatening, run for the hills as fast as you possibly can. It has taken me 50 years to be free from Narcissistic parents, friends, and even the big bad monster Bob the Knob, my ex narcissistic partner who almost ended my life.
These people feed off your kind personality and suck you dry, until you can no longer think for yourself, you lose all confidence, you are alienated from your family, and all the while thinking there must be something wrong with you.
It is not ok for people to put their feelings before yours, to trample over your feelings. We are all equal in the feeling department. If you feel that you aren’t good enough when you are around somebody ditch them.
It doesn’t matter who they are, you don’t have to fall out with them, just limit your time with them.
If you do come across the big bad wolf however, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, covering your tracks as you go. These can be extremely dangerous people to be around, they may not hurt you physically, but the mental abuse is a killer.
Don’t be a little red riding hood, run for the hills. Love Betty x
3 months ago I wasn’t the woman I am today, I wasn’t called Betty, I was known by another name.
I am a bit of a miracle really.
In fact I am a big miracle.
In the beginning ..
I was born arse first, and dead.
So I wasn’t really off to a very good start was I ?
I was born in 1969 to two narcissistic parents, and that is where my last journey began.
Throughout my life I have suffered child abuse, trauma, severe enough to cause me to develop Multi personality disorder. I was born with Autism and a predisposition to want to die. I did once have a sibling, who like me was born with these traits and had the same parents. Unfortunately he didn’t last as long on this earth as I have, as he took his own life 20 years ago.
3 months ago after a severe mental health crisis, I was one click away from ending my own life. My time was up, there was nowhere left to hide.
A miracle happened, in the form of cannabis, and suddenly I was free.
Free from the burden of running and hiding.
Cannabis allowed my mind to calm, having Autism is for me, like having 24 tabs open in my mind at any one time. It is exhausting.
For 50 years I have never been able to relax.
I had been wound up so tight, trying to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, for too many years.
Add to the fact I am a woman, and a single parent to an Autistic teenager with Tourettes, it was time for a breakdown.
A mind can only take so much, a body can only fight so much, it eventually breaks.
luckily for me I decided there and then that I couldn’t die, my children needed me, my grandchildren needed me.
So I decided to fight. I started writing my thoughts down, everything and anything, I wrote my whole life story in 2 weeks. 80,000 words long.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had ever written anything. Probably at school as a teenager.
I discovered I had multiple personality disorder by chance, when I started noticing my actions, and through my words I discovered who I really was, because I now knew that my mind was capable of creating different personalities, I decided to recreate myself into a new personality, and this is Betty, who you all know by now.
Betty is who I was always meant to be, and this is why I started blogging.
I wanted the world to hear my story, because it may just save a life.
My dream is to help as many people along the path to my own dream, which is to heal, and to share love and harmony within our species.
I am a born healer, and I am here to do my job.
I have strong connections with the red Indian tribe.
I am not blogging to earn money, but to share my gift with the world.
A gift that I believe should not be sold.
Along the way I will freely share a unique insight into my abilities and disabilities.
The reason I started blogging was to tell the world that miracles really do happen, and I am living proof of that.
Self belief is the miracle. cannabis is a miracle my good mental health is a miracle, you have to find yourself, believe in yourself and watch the miracles appear.
You may be thinking what does Simon and Garfunkel have to do with guinea pigs?
Meet Garfunkel, having his very first outing at grandmas house.
Simon is still in the house because he is a stubborn little shit, and won’t let grandma pick him up.
Here is Simon …the black and white piggy.
These two guinea pigs were my grandsons, but like most kids they lost interest once Minecraft became an option.
They were once called Woody and Buzz, but there is no way grandma was shouting out Buzz Buzz in the garden. The neighbours already think I’m nuts. At least shouting Garfunkel I sound cooler…
So they were rechristened Simon and Garfunkel.
Unfortunately Simon has cut his nose off to spite his face today, because whilst he is stuck in his boring cage, Garfunkel is living it large in the sunshine, eating fresh dandelions, and watching the world go by.
Garfunkel took a leap of faith and ended up with a reward.
Simon on the other hand, is stuck in his ways, so shall miss out on all of the fun today.
If Simon only knew what was waiting for him on the other side, he would take that leap of faith and let grandma pick him up.
A life lesson for us all, you may be afraid, but do it anyway, you may be stuck in your ways, then you have to change your ways. Life is full of twists and turns, how are you ever going to find out what is really ‘out there’ for you, if you are scared of change?
I have been stuck in a vicious circle of not accepting change for 50 years.
Since I decided to take my own leap of faith, the amazing things that have happened to me have been unbelievable.
Don’t be afraid to take that leap, what do you have to lose ?
Today I was thinking about our yearly visit to Florida. I love Florida, and I have been lucky enough to be able to visit my ‘happy place’ for over 20 years.
This year however things will be different.
I live with severe mental health problems, including, Autism, severe depression with suicidal ideation, Anxiety and Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Three months ago my mental health deteriorated rapidly to the point where I almost took my own life.
I stumbled upon a drug that actually works for me, and my mental health has gone from strength to strength. It has been amazing how this drug has transformed my life.
Unfortunately for me that drug is Cannabis.
I say unfortunate for me, because not only do I not live in the correct state where cannabis is available to me.
I also live in the wrong country.
Cannabis is still Illegal in the UK.
It has been legalised for medical purposes in the UK, but doctors will not prescribe it.
So I am left having to break the laws of our country to be able to survive.
I have no doubt that if I stopped using cannabis, I would go back to being the suicidal person I was before I started using it.
So I start thinking to myself, maybe cannabis is now legal in Florida and I would be able to purchase my medication whilst over there ?
Unfortunately Florida has the same position as the UK on its cannabis laws.
So if you, like me, rely on your medication for survival, you may not visit Florida for your vacation without Breaking International Laws.
This law is stopping me from visiting my favourite place on the planet, and watching my precious grandchildren meet Mickey Mouse, swim with the dolphins, feed the stingray, and ride the rollercoasters.
My mental health does not prevent me from enjoying these things, alas a law about a drug that works in controlling my mental health issues prevents me.
Help educate people about cannabis, legalise regulate and medicate. Other people could benefit from what I have found to be a wonder drug for myself. what if that someone was you, or somebody you loved ?
Ask yourself, why ? after all of the proof that cannabis works, are we still criminalising a drug that has many benefits and few side effects ?
Because once Cannabis becomes legal, people would be able to grow it themselves, leaving the big Pharma and the governments losing millions in revenue.
I have never understood why people call depression ‘the black dog.’ I like dogs, so it doesn’t quite sum up the complete unhappiness, worthlessness and despair of this disorder.
For me depression is exactly like the dementors from the Harry Potter stories. Jk Rowling hit the nail right on the head with the description of her dementors.
It is obvious to me by Rowlings descriptive writing style, that she has suffered from depression in the past.
Dementors are dark creatures that consume human happiness, creating an ambience of coldness, darkness, misery and despair.
Because of their power to drain happiness and hope from humans, they have been set with the task of being guards to your mind, and to prevent you from having the will, or ability to escape from it.
Your mind is being imprisoned by these ‘dementors’.
I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety for 50 years.
3 months ago I almost ended my own life because I just could not get free from these ‘dementors’.
These ‘Dementors’ symbolise my thoughts.
Thoughts only exist in as much as you allow them to exist. Thoughts are not real, they are simply ideas and beliefs from experiences that have shaped who you are.
They are not cold hard facts.
What you choose to do with those thoughts is your choice, and your choice alone. You can actually act on these thoughts of sadness and despair, or you can simply watch them float by on a river, if they are important they will keep on floating by, until you do notice them.
Any other thoughts that are counterproductive to enhancing your life, are just flotsam in the river.
Three months ago in desperation I started to look at myself properly for the first time, and began to see that I was being controlled by my own thoughts and feelings.
I was totally consumed and overwhelmed.
Knowing I had to do something pretty quickly, I began to write my thoughts down, and I became more self aware as the days went by.
writing down my thoughts seemed to release them in to the universe, and left me free to start living.
Sharing my thoughts then became a passion.
My story could one day be a a survival guide for somebody else going through a similar life story.
I started meditating, and that is when my life led me on a completely different path.
The happiness path.
I cannot over emphasise the need for meditation as a therapy for your mental health.
It is like plugging yourself into the main power socket of the world.
I feel so much more energised, and at peace with myself, that even I find it difficult to believe the path I was on three months ago.
Meditating isn’t easy. The process itself is easy enough, but it takes work and practice.
Most people want that happiness but don’t know where to look.
That is because they are looking in all of the wrong places. happiness has to come from within.
I had waited around patiently for 50 years looking for happiness in all of the wrong places.
What I began to realise was, that it had been with me all along. I was the key to my own happiness. There is no magic pill out there that will cure depression. Yes antidepressants and anxiety medications treat the symptoms, and I would never advocate someone stopping their medication without consulting their Care provider.
I have been on the maximum amount of antidepressants for years, and I would not stop my medication without medical supervision.
If you take meditating seriously, and make it one of your daily routines it does become easier, and over time becomes a habit . Take brushing your teeth for instance. I bet you do that without even thinking about it now. That is because it already has its ‘slot’ in your daily routine.
Everybody is aware that if you don’t brush your teeth you will get tooth decay.
But what happens if you don’t ‘brush’ your brain ?
What if you didn’t replace or recharge the battery in your electric toothbrush ? It wouldn’t work would it, over time it gradually loses charge until it gives up.
Our brain is exactly the same, it is working constantly, even whilst sleeping. but what if your sleep patterns don’t allow your brain to recharge properly ?
Having depression and anxiety often includes problems sleeping, causing our brains to never reach fully charged.
Meditation is a way to fully charge your brain with energy. try it What have you got to lose ?
I know what I have ‘lost’ by making available slots in my day for meditation.
By regularly taking time out to charge my brain via meditation, I have learned to challenge my thought and my beliefs.
I’m not saying I don’t feel off somedays, moods are changeable, due to the fact that we are only human after all, but once I have plugged my brain back into the universe for 10 minutes I am back to good vibrations.
Self belief is so very important to a persons wellbeing. If we believe ourselves to be depressed anxious, scared individuals, we will manifest this into our lives.
Believing that this is what we are, feels the easiest of options whilst dragging the black dog around with a smile.
We can sit there miserable and think well that’s life, it’s all in the genes etc etc woe me, acceptance, but at a cost.
I have had 50 years of accepting and living with anxiety and depression, and it is exhausting.
Why did someone not tell me about meditation 50 years ago ?
Challenge your beliefs or thoughts about yourself.
I worked in challenging some of the false beliefs I held about myself.
One belief I tackled was that I couldn’t draw.
I can’t remember ever drawing as a child. the odd times I have tried over the years it has been met with the response ‘and what is that supposed to be ?’
I worked on letting go of that belief, and low and behold I am now a prolific artist, my paintings may never hang in the Tait gallery, but I have had lots of positive feedback, so watch this space.
Because I challenged that false belief, I have found a new passion for art.
3 months ago my ONLY passion was to end my life.
The healing power of Sunlight…
Sunlight plays a very important role in healing.
If the sun is shining everything always feels better. If you are as ‘lucky’ enough as me to live in the UK, there isn’t much of that going spare.
The Uk has on average around 5 days per year where the sun shines, on the other 360 days it is either raining or snowing.
Before any weather men decide to contradict my statement, they may want to try living where I live, my village has a climate all of its own.
I decided to purchase a UV lamp.
It isn’t exactly the same as the suns rays, but it does comes pretty close. I do my meditation under this lamp if the sun is not shining. The healing I have received from the suns rays has allowed me to bloom like a flower.
Most people who suffer from depression need more sunlight than those who don’t. Have you ever noticed how bad your depression can get in the winter ? That is because there isn’t enough sunlight to help you grow.
Try to spend as much time as you can in sunlight, invest in a therapy UV lamp. They are only around £40, and it is money well spent in my opinion.
So there we have it, the basic recipe to conquer depression and anxiety .
You just need to mix together all of your ingredients every day, believe in yourself, and keep on keeping on.
If you would like any further information about my journey to happiness, please feel free to message me.