How To Blog Whilst Walking The Fine Line Between Sanity & Insanity

moonlight through the trees

The view from karensjointatthetopofthegarden.com

Many of you may wonder why my website address has the name Karen in it. 

Many moons ago I was once known as Karen. After a huge mental health crisis which almost took my life, a new name change came about. 

I was no longer Barren Karen, and I morphed overnight into Blogging Betty. 

Unfortunately before the morph took place, our website had already been established. 

Changing the name of a domain etc is just not worth the hassle, so in loving memory of our dearly departed Karen, the name will stay. 

As most of you are aware I have severe mental illnesses, and spend a lot of time healing my fractured mind, by doing any kind of therapy that I can think of.

baking therapy…one of my many therapies. galaxy chocolate chunk cookies with ice cold milk for dunking.

I am currently sitting in the joint at the top of the garden doing some of my other therapies.

I’ve got one hand on my MacBook and the other one is smoking a reefer. 

It’s dark and cold outside, but it’s so quiet, comfy and peaceful up here. I now have electricity and heat, which is a welcome bonus now that its way below zero, and the middle of December. The only sound I can hear is the odd hoot from a Tawny owl looking for his supper.

taken in my garden last week, the unique ice crystals on fallen leaves

I am sitting here meditating, trying to get out of my own way, so that I can blog tonight. 

I love Blogging. 

Yes I found it late in life, but better late than never, as my old grandad used to say. 

Unfortunately because I found it later in life, and because my mental health issues get in the way, I often find myself wondering if I will ever become a top blogger. 

I’ve been blogging now for around 6 months. In that 6 months I have learned a lot. Not only about blogging, but about myself. 

Being on so many different journeys at once is amazing. 

A journey of self discovery,  a spiritual journey, healing from trauma, self acceptance journey, and my blogging journey all take up most of my time. 

Being an Autistic single parent at the ripe old age of 50, to a 15 year old son who also has Autism with severe Anxiety, and Tourette’s Syndrome, takes up a fair bit of my time too. 

Does this mean I don’t have the time to be a top Blogger ? 

How much time do you need to spend on your blog to be a top Blogger ? 

Since I started blogging I have been following a few top bloggers, but finally found my soul mate in Ryan Biddulph. 

He doesn’t know we’re soul mates, but I do and that’s all that counts. 

Apart from the fact he’s a very handsome chap, he gives out fantastic advice, and if I had more hours in the day I’m sure I would be a top earning blogger just like him by now. 

So as I sit here wondering where I can find the extra hours to follow Ryan Biddulph’s advice, I realise that I am already doing it. Because those of us who walk that fine line between sanity and insanity are juggling so many balls at once, the fact that every time they even publish a blog it’s a huge achievement. 

doesn’t mention that it helps with blogging, but ill try anything… my new daily multivitamin for over 50’s not sure whether to laugh or cry…

Little steps on this journey we call life. 

keep on keeping on… ‘All Bloggers Rock’ love Betty x

Life Really Does Begin At 50

I turned the grand old age of 50 in March this year. Thats half a century that I have been me.

The age of 50 didn’t get off to a very good start, and like most ages I have been, this one seemed no different. 

Same old shite, just a new year to deal with it. 

Little did I know what was to come. 

After burying trauma for over 40 years, the lid finally blew off. 

Spectacularly.

as if by magic, Maggie the springer spaniel gifted me the perfect image for this blog…

The shit finally hit the fan, and everybody ended up covered in it.

The Narcissistic parents were covered in it, the abusive family members got covered in it, and even the people who were never meant to get covered in it, also got covered in it. 

the culprit…

Because the nasty shit that had been poisoning me for over 40 years was back in its rightful place, with its owners, I am now as free as a bird. I am no longer carrying around a huge amount of poisoned shit, which leaves me free to live the life that I should have always had. 

A life free from the shit that abuse, guilt, and trauma can leave on a person indefinitely, especially if they aren’t aware that they are carrying it. 

Thankfully my eyes finally opened at the age of 50 and 3/4, after a near brush with death, ‘better late than never’ as my old grandad used to say.

My life truly has begun at the age of 50. I am so excited by my next path on this journey that we call life. 

Not A Book Nor A Blog, A NABNAB, The Next Chapter.

 

Today I decided to write neither a book nor a blog. 

But what should the title be ? It’s not going to be a book, because I have a personality that won’t allow it. It’s not going to be a blog because Blogging Betty has buggered off somewhere, so what is it ? 

Until a better name for it comes along, a NABNAB is what it is.

A NABNAB

The Next Chapter

Once upon a time long long ago, before you and I even existed,  lived a tiny ball of energy called Betty. 

Betty was a happy little ball of energy, living peacefully side by side with the Trillions of other little balls of energy that existed, before time as we knew it began. 

One day Betty was called upon to choose her path, she was so excited.

Betty knew she was special, just like every other little ball of energy, but she knew she was much stronger than some, so she chose the path of most resistance. 

One day Betty’s and all of the other little balls of energy’s lives changed forever, when a huge bang scattered the energy balls far and wide, to all corners of the globe.

 All of the little energy balls now had a new purpose, in sustaining human life forms.

Energy ball Betty bounced through many many different life forms for millions of years, as energy cannot die, it must always continue on.

Although energy cannot die, it can however become seriously depleted. 

And after millions of years of bouncing, Betty became much less bouncy and her energy was seriously depleted.

Most humans had started believing that it was they who were in charge, and even talk of energy balls were rare. 

Because of what was happening in the world, and because of the human host she had, Betty Awoke one day to find her energy had almost completely gone. She was lost in a dark place and couldn’t find her way out. 

It was then, in the darkest night of the soul, that she was shown the truth. Her truth, who she truly was, and what her final purpose in this life was. 

She remembers being placed into a newborn infant, who’s energy was not strong enough to sustain life, an infant who would face so many life challenges from birth that It would need a special kind of energy to survive the traumas that it would endure in its lifetime. 

All energy has memory, Betty has many millions of memories stored away deep inside.

Once Betty’s host became aware about how important Betty actually was, Betty began running on full power again. Much to the delight of her host. 

Betty is once again a happy little ball of energy., as good as new. All she needed was a bit of TLC, a chance to recharge, daily energy checks and a full MOT.

It suddenly dawned on Betty, that humans were failing to remember how important their energy was, and that the answers to all of their questions lie within themselves.

All energy knows exactly where it should be, positive energy attracts more positive energy, and negative energy attracts more negative energy.

Those energies whose lights were being dimmed by their interaction with negative energies, were failing to remember who they were. They began to yearn for home, even though they were home, a feeling that something wasn’t quite right with the world, then dis-ease crept in.

Betty knew it was her destiny to light up the world, so she decided to use her host as a tool, to share her knowledge, and help to heal a world full of dis-ease.

Unfortunately Betty’s host has severe mental health illnesses, so she doesn’t always get the chance to shine brightly in a world full of darkness.

Now that Betty is back on form, who knows where life will now take her host. 

Why Anger Isn’t Always A Bad Thing.

 

Most of us have gotten angry at some point in our lives. 

Anger is an normal emotion.

Many people believe that anger is a negative emotion, and try to avoid feeling this way. Most people don’t  particularly like feeling angry. It’s uncomfortable, they would rather feel happy instead. 

But what if you couldn’t feel happy ? What if happiness seemed unattainable ? What if you felt that death was the only way out ?

Anger is the emotion that the fight or flight response can produce, when a real threat to life has been recognised.

Anger then becomes a positive response , activating different neurons in an effort to preserve life. 

Anger has helped me to survive. It has kept me alive in a world that has tried its very best to kill me. 

Am I angry ? Damn right I am. 

I have every reason to be. 

Fighting back.. not dead yet !!

Angry Betty has spoken.

Is your anger keeping you alive ? Or are you keeping it alive ? 

Does it have a positive effect for you ? I’d love to hear your thoughts. 

P.S feeling angry doesn’t make you an angry person. 

The Benefits of Private Over NHS Mental Health Care In The UK.

Last week I made the decision to pay for private psychiatric help. 

I don’t have a great deal of money, being a single parent on disability isn’t exactly living the life of the rich and famous. 

Most of my pennies are spoken for weekly, and with the rising cost of living today, our money doesn’t go very far.

I decided that my mental health had  reached a point that intervention was needed, and I contacted my local mental health crisis team. 

This was 4 months ago, and I am still waiting for urgent help. 

Having paid into the NHS all of my life, I am at the end of a very long line of other people just like me, waiting for the same thing.

The NHS mental health service has broken, it has become so stretched that it has finally snapped under the strain. A number of NHS and other psychiatrists have set up a private clinic in an effort to take the strain, and provide the much needed mental health support, at a price.

I’m not quite sure how I came across this website but it had me intrigued. For only £350 I could have an hour consultation, a diagnosis and treatment plan, all recognised by the NHS, and within a few days. 

After a long and informative chat with the customer helpline, I actually booked an appointment, and waited patiently for the next 4 days until it arrived.

My appointment was on a secure weblink via a patients portal online, you are given a password to enter your virtual room, where you will meet your chosen psychiatrist.

That night although my anxiety was through the roof, I sat comfortably on my bed, with my PJ’s on, and up popped the psychiatrist on my MacBook screen. 

This is a novelty for a 50 year old recluse, who didn’t even own a computer a few months ago. 

I felt so comfortable, at ease, and the doctor was fantastic, Dr Axelby was my choice, she was professional, understanding, compassionate and put me at great ease. 

Our 50 minute appointment turned into nearly 90 minutes at no extra cost to myself, and I was given a diagnosis of Complex PTSD. 

I have been under psychiatric services since early childhood with no diagnosis, it has only taken £350,  1 doctor, and 90 minutes to finally give me the help that I’ve been asking for for over 40 years. 

Our mental health is just as important as our physical health. You cannot put a price on happiness.

So who benefits from this innovative idea ?

A. The Psychiatrist, she gets the chance to help people and earn an income at the same time.

B. The National Health Service, who are buckling under so much pressure from mental health related illnesses.

And last but by no means least..

C. The patient, Me, I may be lighter in pocket, but I am also much lighter in my mind and spirit. I have answers to some of the questions that I have been asking all of my life.

How much would you be willing to pay for Happiness ?

I consider it money well spent.

Poor Mental Health can be a Killer.. why not take care of yours today.

love Betty x

3 BS Facts About Cannabis and Mental Health Everyone Thinks Are True

This may be a longer post than normal as I tend to become very passionate about certain issues that affect me. You might need to get yourself a coffee if you want to read it to the end.

Cannabis can cause mental health disorders.

Is this a proven fact ? Would these people have developed mental health disorders if they hadn’t used cannabis ? If somebody can actually prove that these mental health disorders would never have developed if the person hadn’t used cannabis, then that would make it a fact. 

Fiction is when a mere opinion that cannabis can cause mental health disorders is voiced. 

Everybody is entitled to an opinion so I always listen to the opinions of others on this subject. 

I have Autism, I like to deal in cold hard facts, when dealing with something as important as the effects of cannabis on my mental health. 

Seeing as I have some of the most severe mental health disorders there are, including complex PTSD, Personality Disorder, severe depression with suicidal ideation, and acute Anxiety, I do like to keep myself up to date on topics concerning mental health.

Since embarking on my journey using Cannabis as a medication to treat my mental health problems, my ears tend to prick up when I hear both topics mentioned in the same sentence.

Everywhere I go I seem to be hearing that cannabis is dangerous for your mental health. 

I watched a YouTube video yesterday  where even Dr Phil was riding along on the curse cannabis train. 

On his video was a young boy who had anger issues, he was smashing up the house, threatening his mom with a knife, and apparrantly all because he was using cannabis. I switched off at this point when I saw that more BS was to follow.

When I was a young girl I was exactly the same. I was angry all of the time, I was in trouble with the police, I was violent, playing truant from school, running away from home, and threatening my mom, and guess what ? I had never even heard of cannabis. 

I grew up in the 70’s, in a tiny village in Newcastle in the UK.

I suffered a lifetime of abuse and trauma without Cannabis, I developed so many mental health disorders over the last 50 years, and guess what ?  All without the use of cannabis. 

I had lived a very unhappy life until I actually found Cannabis.

After a mental health crisis that almost ended my life, cannabis and myself found each other, and I discovered a Miracle.

Cannabis has been my ‘Miracle cure’ for my poor mental health. 

Since starting to use cannabis daily as part of my medication regime, I also take my prescribed antidepressants, I have found myself.

I have found happiness in my life for the first time ever. After 40 years of trying every medication, therapy, and advice known to man. I have finally found something that helps.

Cannabis isn’t going to kill me, although the tobacco might, I’m a non -smoker apart from my one cannabis joint, 2 or 3 times per day.

I like to live as healthily as possible, I rarely take medication apart from my antidepressants. I do not drink alcohol, alcohol is a depressant and when mixed with a depressive personality, it brings out the worst in us. 

I have never touched an illicit drug in my life, and I have always been careful about what chemicals I put into my body. 

I have requested medicinal cannabis from my GP and psychiatrist, and it is always denied. 

There is no scientific proof that cannabis helps those with mental health problems, is the general reply.

I am walking living proof that it does, so why am I, and every other walking, talking, living proof miracles being ignored ?

why are we being refused a medication that is now perfectly legal to prescribe ? 

And Therein lies the answer to the question.

For a few months now I have been wondering why more and more people have started to say that cannabis is dangerous for our mental health. Why won’t GP’s legally prescribe a drug that they can actually see helping their patient ? 

Mental health is big business now in the UK. The amount of people with mental health issues is on the rise, child mental health has seen a nearly 50 % increase in the last few years. 

My teenage son has severe mental health issues and has never been anywhere near a cannabis plant. 

More and more children are being medicated for adhd, anxiety, depression, and numerous other medications are given out daily without a thought. Some of these have very serious side effects, and we are giving them to our children. The pharmaceutical business is Booming.

Cannabis has been around forever, it is a natural plant. It grows in the soil. it is not made in a laboratory, it is totally natural. It has been used for thousands of years.

I remember years ago when the drug style of choice was glue sniffing. Although I never tried it, I was often around people that did. 

People died from glue sniffing, or aerosol sniffing, and not one of those products were ever made illegal, why ?

Eventually Age restrictions were put in place, so that you needed to wait until you were 16 before you could sniff glue or aerosols. 

I have always been against drugs of any kind, until I ignored advice from professionals, and tried cannabis.

All drugs have risks, I have weighed up the pros and cons of my smoking cannabis, against every other medication available for my needs. 

My conclusion has been that this is the least harmful drug around. 

It can cause weight gain, as cannabis increases the appetite, but for me this actually helps with my eating disorders. My responses and reaction times are much slower when using cannabis, and I have given up driving because of this. 

Slowing down my body is good for me, as I can be manic when not using cannabis. 

My brain is slowed down enough that I can keep up with my own thoughts and feelings. 

Living in a constant state of Anxiety is more dangerous than using cannabis, being suicidal is more dangerous than smoking Cannabis.

When anybody asks me what proof I have that cannabis works in a positive way on mental health, I reply, that since taking cannabis I have found true happiness, I have been able to love myself, It has reduce my anxiety levels to zero, it has enabled me to take control of my own mental health, so that I in turn, can help others around me. And last, but by no means least, I no longer want to die. I want to live again. 

I very much doubt that my mental health could get any darker than it was before I met cannabis. 

Cannabis has shown me the light, at the end of a very long dark tunnel. 

Fact 1 ..cannabis causes mental health problems …BULLSHIT !

Fact 2 ..cannabis is dangerous ..BULLSHIT !!

Fact 3 cannabis is a gateway drug .. BULLSHIT !!!

All opinions are my own.

Please speak to your own GP before trying cannabis, there may be contraindications with other prescribed drugs you may be taking. 

Like any new drug, take note of any side effects as they occur. Cannabis can sometimes cause paranoia, if this occurs stop using and try a different strain. 

Do your own research into whether this could be a suitable drug for you.

You may be surprised by what you find.

take care of yourself first, love Betty x

How Closing Tabs Can Help You Be More Healthy

We’ve all been there, forgetting to close Tabs on your computer until it starts running slowly, or stops working altogether. 

Overload.

There is too much data for our computer to handle.

Our brains work very similar to computers. But are much more superior.

Our Brains have units in networks (Neurons instead of semiconductors. They take in, and compile data. They analyse it and generate output, and so much more. 

Most people don’t even realise that they can have hundreds of open tabs in their brain at any one time. 

These tabs can be thoughts, feelings emotions, memories, basically any data that your brain has encountered is stored away safely.

We often find that when we worry too much, or become too stressed our brain will keep us awake at night searching for a solution to the problem. 

Unfortunately we won’t find the answer in things that happened 20 years ago, or whether our bum looked fat in that dress we wore last week.

not mine or fat…just a bum…

the brain will flick from one thought to another in a desperate attempt to find a solution from all of the stored data that it has, and it has lots of it.

The brain is trying to tell us that something isn’t right, it is glitching and needs a reboot.

Because we are often unaware of what is happening we go to the GP, we take pills, but nothing ever seems to work. 

Since realising that I have had hundreds of thought tabs open most of the time, I have been working on closing them down. Having all of these tabs open has prevented me from seeing clearly, from thinking clearly, it has basically prevented me from living a happy fulfilling life. 

Since closing my tabs down, via medication and meditation I have become so much happier, much more productive, and rarely anxious. This is because I regularly empty the caches from my brain and close unnecessary tabs, just like I do on my MacBook when the need arises.

We all take care of our PC’s in this way, so why not do it for our own super computer ?

Our brains are super computers, they need regular maintenance and servicing, just like any other machine only in a different way.

Have you had your brain serviced lately? 

What are you waiting for ? 

Don’t leave it until it is too late, anxiety leads to depression, depression can lead to suicide. Take control before you lose control.

Close any open tabs, empty your caches, and show your brain some love today.

love Betty x 

Don’t Hold Back Your Blogging and Mental Wellness

Having suffered with severe mental health problems for 40 years, you could definitely say I’m an expert. 

I’m an expert in my own mental health issues, which include severe depression with suicidal ideation, severe Anxiety, and one of the most severe personality disorders, Dissociative Identity Disorder.

To add to this I also have Autism. 

All people have differences, and some people are more different than just different.

I am a lot more different than your average 50 year old Grandmother.

Because I have been trying to keep those differences hidden from myself and the world, I ended up almost taking my own life. 

Instead I began writing.

I have never kept a diary, Journal, or any kind of reminder of my daily life, and as I stared writing, I began to see the benefits that journaling had on my mental wellbeing.

I began at the beginning, it is usually the best place to start.

From my birth, through my childhood and into adulthood, I somehow ended up with 80,000 words. 

Once my thoughts, feelings and memories came out, I felt a transformation. 

Because these things were no longer trapped or hidden, and were there for all to see, I felt free.

As well as meditating, I continued on my journey by joining the Blogging community. 

Blogging has become my therapy, my readers are my therapists. my thoughts and feelings are shared by those who read my blogs, as the saying goes ‘a problem shared is a problem halved.’

 So what would sharing with the world do ?

Sharing with the world does something good, for myself, and for others like me.

Using a blog as therapy is the way forward. 

Embrace your differences, talk about them, share them with the world. 

You never know, your story could one day be somebody else’s survival guide. 

Be your own inspiration, if you have knowledge of something share it. 

Waiting for somebody else to ‘Fix’ your problems is a waste of valuable time. Be proactive not reactive. Love yourself as much as you love others.

Be kind and share always love Betty x 

How You Could Benefit From My Ghosts and Ghouls this Hallowe’en

Today I woke as usual around 7 am. 

After suffering from depression most of my life, I am very grateful that I have the opportunity to live another day in a human form. 

We are not human beings, we are spiritual beings living a human life. 

My human journey began with trauma, I was dead at birth, my human journey has been a very traumatic one. Born with Autism, but not diagnosed until the age of 48. 

I suffered child abuse from a very young age, and was raised by 2 narcissistic parents.

I developed a personality disorder, called dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder, as a necessity for my human survival.

I have been totally unaware that I had this disorder until the ripe old age of 50. 

Being psychic too, has put a strain on my physical  and mental health.

After what I class as a near death experience, when I almost took my own life, I stumbled upon my spiritual path.

Spiritual awakening is not about ghosts and ghoulies, although I do see ‘spirits’ I prefer the term energies, and that is a different story altogether.

My spiritual awakening has been the opportunity to see myself for the very first time.

Realising that you are the source of your own happiness, I have found myself at last. 

Today is Halloween, I’ve always been afraid of ghosts and spirits, even though I feel them, see them and hear them, they have terrified me all of my life.

when my brother died 20 years ago at the age of 27, I was convinced he would come back to me at some point, and slept with my head under the blankets for 6 years.

I thought that I was going mad for a very long time. I then convinced myself that everybody hears voices, and I rarely mentioned it to anyone.

having mental health problems and hearing voices, tends to cast a different outlook on my psychic abilities. I am not schizophrenic, that must be a really scary disorder to have. I do not have hallucinations, my eyes are never open when I ‘see’ things, and my predictions are always right.

Although I am mad in the technical sense, the reason that I was so scared of my ability was that I had no control over which energies I engaged with, leaving me wide open to good and bad energies alike.

I decided to work on protecting myself, and to work with my spiritual guides each and every day. 

Because I am a natural empath I absorb other people’s energies. 

When you are not aware of this, you can become seriously depleted in energy yourself.

You become laden down with other people’s negative energies, your own energy field can become blocked, and can carry this blockage around for years without ever knowing. 

We have to protect our own energy fields. 

My daily routine now consists of protecting my energy and raising my vibrations.

A cold shower in a morning invigorates all of the energy in my body.

I use colour cards to chose what colour I need to focus on that day, then choose my wardrobe accordingly. 

I get out for some fresh air, a brisk walk for 20 minutes, then on with general tasks of the day. 

Around lunch time I meditate. 

I use Oracle cards to direct me on my path.

there are lots of cards to choose from but these are my favourite.

I meditate with these cards placed over my heart, and ask them to provide me with insight on my journey.

Today I decided to share my reading with everyone as my spooky contribution to Halloween.

The top card represents my past. Straight away I recognised myself as being the ‘yes’ woman, the ‘go to’ woman, I could never say the word no, except to myself. 

I was a people pleaser, allowing my energy to be used, time and time again. 

The second card is the present, Take a Break. 

This is exactly what I am doing at this moment in time, I have taken a break from the outside world, in order to connect with my own spirituality. 

The final card is the future, 

Dance with life, the title says it all really, I am taking life by hand and leading it onto the dance floor, my spiritual journey is the first dance.

I am looking for my soul tribe to get this dance party started. 

If you feel a connection with me, please contact me, I know you are all out there somewhere, I just need to find you. 

Love Betty x 

What Google Won’t Tell You About Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Today hasn’t been a good day for me on the personality front.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. 

I don’t call it that, being of a different generation and mindset, I prefer to call  it by the old term ‘multiple personality disorder.’ 

There is debate over whether this disorder is distinct separate personalities or merely less than one whole personality. 

I don’t feel less of a whole person, more that I am multiple people.

Less than 2% of the American population have multiple personality disorder, and women are diagnosed 6 times more than men. 

So how come movies always portray men as the crazy person with multiple personality disorder ?, serial killers, who’s alters secretly  kidnap people and murder them ? 

Why is it never the 50 year old British Geordie Bird, who thinks fuck it let’s go rip some heads off ?

I don’t think I have a personality that is capable of murder, but never say never, my ex husband hasn’t been seen for 8 years so you never know. 

Today has not been a good day. Although I can be stable at times, if certain ‘triggers’ occur out of the blue, I can become angry Betty, she is 13 and was let down by everybody in her childhood. She is still very angry about that. 

Last night we were ‘triggered’ during a text conversation with a friend. 

He wasn’t to know it was a trigger for us, but 13 year old Betty got on her high horse and chased him off. 

Waking this morning we still weren’t quite sure which Betty we were, when the teen son suddenly informed us that he wasn’t going to school. He has started refusing school again, and we are thinking about taking him out of the education system altogether, because of his Autism and anxiety.

So in a split second we quickly changed to Mammy Betty.

Mammy Betty gets on with the job, says it like it is, only teenage Betty keeps jumping in and out too. We began switching rapidly through all alters, looking for a solution.

Unfortunately suicidal Betty claimed the throne for a good few hours, whilst stoner Betty and Heidi continually dragged her up to the joint at the top of the garden until she disappeared.

This is quite a disappointed because we thought that suicidal Betty had gone for good. This seems not to be the case. 

We shall have to keep our eye on the ball. This Betty is too clever and sly for us to ignore.

This is me, writer Betty signing out for now. 

Tune in next time for ‘what happened to Wednesday ?’

love Betty x